Human-side Side-notes: Day 1 of 100 Blessings for Enchantment

I woke up around 2:30am with a swelling, open, peaceful feeling in my heart. I could feel my guides and my new tree friend gathering around to connect with me. Some I recognized and some were not familiar. I joined them and looked up into the tree. There was a shadow in human form high in the branches. I felt anxious as it hopped down and walked toward me.

I called in one of my most trusted animal guides to check-out this shadow. She walked up to the shadow, sniffed gently, and relaxed. I wondered, is this the spirit of the tree? A new teacher? Why do I feel fear?

I realized as she got closer, she was my shadow self. The part of me that emcompasses the things I still struggle most with, old traumas, completely made-up dramas, catastrophizing. My guides smiled and I knew the lesson was that my greatest anxieties while working on this project would come from my shadow side. The energy of the project itself was enclosed and protected.

It was a great relief as my shadow side and I embraced, understanding each other and our relationship like old friends.

As soon as I relaxed, information for today’s blessing started flooding in as images and feelings. It was beautiful! And as other writers, creatives, and artists (in other words, all humans) know, these early morning inspirations that happen away from the writing desk or altar or canvas can be difficult to capture.

I stayed still in the energy until I felt I understood, then tried to decide what to do next.

My husband is a light sleeper. Past years of working in emergency management have made him alert quickly to any change in the room. Neither of us are great sleepers after decades of parenting, though that seems to be changing as our kids move further into their own adulthoods.

Both of us love sleeping next to each other. We each spent a lot of years single before we met.

What I felt open in me as I considered my options was a large mental drawer that holds everything I’m still learning and unlearning about codependency. It’s kind of like the big drawer in our kitchen that holds all kinds of important tools but is difficult to keep organized. And some of the tools are sharp, so care is needed when digging through this drawer.

Codependent thoughts about my husband began popping up; I have to choose between my work or my marriage, what if this project turns me into someone he can’t love, I’m selfish if I disrupt our status quo, his sleep is far more important than my project, what kind of wife creates at 3am, etc.

And yes, all of this projection happened, while in reality, he’s sleeping and doing just fine.

Codependent thoughts about Spirit and Inspiration popped up; Am I really spiritual if I don’t put Spirit first, If I don’t do things exactly when and how they are presented then I’ll be abandoned by Spirit, what if this is a test and I fail, I am unworthy of connecting with Spirit if I have human feelings and preferences, etc.

It’s truly fascinating just how deeply the belief runs that I’m only valuable to others, humans and Spirit alike, if I’m a blank slate for their needs. I mean… it’s fascinating now anyway, when it’s not 3am!

I spiraled for a moment until I paused to really examine my jostled codependency drawer. If I slowed down, I could remember the tools and how to use them skillfully.

The thing that codependency makes you forget most quickly, is that those who truly love you want you to be yourself. They want you to thrive. The only way they know how to help is if you courageously offer the truth of who you are and what you could use some help with.

So, I was open with Spirit. I love sleeping next to my husband. It’s one of the best things about my life and I want to cherish and preserve that. I asked Spirit to work with me on finding a way to do so on the occasions that 3am is the best time to connect with my guides about this project.

When my husband gets home, I’ll tell him what’s happening and ask how we can work together to protect his sleep and nurture these 3am calls from Spirit. Because 3am calls from Spirit feel like who I am and so does being fiercely protective of my partner’s well being.

One of the most helpful tools in the codependency drawer is simply trying out the word “and” in any sentence where codependency insists on using “or.”

It was a wise and loving gesture that the first thing my spirit guides did was remind me of my shadow. When the spiritual lift of inspiration moved into the human realm of action, I had a reminder that it could get messy because being human is so delightfully and predictably messy. But I can be lifted AND be messy. I can wake-up to my alarm inspired AND groggy. I can create a project with Spirit AND create a life with my husband.

“And” is a damn handy word! Especially at 3am.

Several hours later;

30 minutes into creating the first blessing today, I devolved into tears, crammed down a whole bunch of chocolate covered cranberries, and asked my husband if he thought it was too late to change the project to 100 dirty limericks because I SIMPLY CANNOT DO IT! Fortunately, he often out-coaches me, and he steered me back into my office to face, well… myself.

Once I had a draft of the blessing, he came in and read it, offered some edits, read through the first section of this blog post, and truly puzzled, turned to me and said, “Why didn’t you just come into your office and write at 3am?”

Today was a day of heavy human-ing! Not only is it fascinating at this point, it’s the best kind of comical that elicits laughing fits and hugs. Ohhhhh my… only 99 to go! :D