Turning 50

I turned 50 years old this week!

I’ve considered many gifts to give myself as a celebration of entering a new decade- a trip somewhere exciting, another piercing, a tattoo, jewelry. None of it felt right.

When I’d get quiet and ask myself, what do I really want, all I could sense was space.

Space.

My only nudge about what this meant was completely clearing out a closet.

There is a small and fairly deep closet at the back of my office. And until the past few days, it was filled with a random sampling of life stuff- some of my kids’ stuff, old crafts and clothes, memories and trinkets, my wedding dress from my first marriage, boxes of old electronics and office supplies.

As I started to clearing it out, thoughts came a-tumbling in:

What if I need this someday?

Maybe I’ll just clear my stuff out and leave my kids’ stuff in the top of the closet.

Really? A clean closet and not a tattoo?

I’m ready to let this go but I shouldn’t.

I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

I miss my grandparents.

What a difficult time that was.

I’ve outgrown this.

If I get rid of all of this stuff, who am I?

If I get rid of all of this stuff, who am I?

What a beautiful, slightly terrifying, freeing question to consider as I turn 50.

I don’t know what this closet will be. Or exactly who I am becoming.

For now there is simply open space.

I do know I am a dreamer and that part of me wants a dreamatorium. Where anything is possible. Where compassion lives. Where I am safe to rest and be. Where the world my human eyes see and the world my Spirit eyes see can come together.

I know I no longer hold space for those who need me to be a hero or a villain in their narratives or who feel it’s important to keep my worst moments fresh and present, and instead hold space for friends and family who ask each other;

“Tell me about the messy miracle you are and who you are becoming.”

I know I am coming into a more peaceful trusting relationship with my body.

I know my inner Artist is pumped up and ready to unleash a whole bunch of weird and wacky.

I know I am safe in my home with a partner who likes me, loves me, and grows with me.

I know I am the luckiest mom ever that Jamie, Jill and Willow picked me.

I wasn’t supposed to make it to 50. When my mom died at 37 some kind of psychological clock was set and every birthday past 37 has an extra zing of delight and surprise.

And after spending most of my 30’s very ill with autoimmune disorders, I was so sick, depleted, and medicated that a few weeks after turning 41 I was diagnosed with frontal temporal disorder. I was told that was how my life would end. That I needed to prepare my children. I started drinking heavily. I lost all hope. I spiraled lower than I knew was possible into darkness that seared and scorched everything around me.

Later that year after weeks of suicidal ideation I spent 10 days in the psych unit at University of Utah. That was the turning point of getting well. I was referred to new doctors who could diagnose and treat me properly physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I spent the rest of my 40s healing, letting go of relationships and a career that I had believed defined me but in actuality drained and damaged me, selling my home, going into the deepest caves of pain to bring home stranded parts of myself, reparenting myself, releasing old thoughts and beliefs, releasing the need to defend how hard I had tried in impossible circumstances.

I was a different person, or I should say- finally starting to feel like my truest Self when I met my husband at 43. Today, as I turn 50 I am living a life that feels like the best kind of dream. Not because it’s not hard sometimes, but because I get to be fully myself. My life fits me.

To those who are in the deepest dark and afraid it’s over, and maybe even been told by an Authority that it’s over: Keep going. Even if it makes zero sense and all that you have is the slightest inkling of light to move toward (and you’re not totally convinced it is even there) you are worth the crawl forward to try, in whatever way feels truest for you, even if it feels impossible.

This is your life. You are light. And you are most definitely worth finding all of the joy, peace, love, compassion and delight you can in the ways your soul feels drawn, in ways that make your heart sing, regardless of when it’s actually going to be over.

Not to spoil the ending, but it’s going to be over for each of us in a very quick blink. It’s all of the beauty and sorrow and enchantment that we can experience pre-blink that matters. You deserve that. We all deserve that.

This week, I’ve imagined sending a flood of love, gratitude, and images of my miraculous life back to my 41 year old self, comforting, encouraging, and beaconing her forward to 50.

And I’ve felt flashes of my future self doing the same for me now as I step into this next decade of life.

And so, I’ve given myself the gift the wisest, selfiest-Self part of me needs and wants the most.

A cleared closet. Unencumbered potential. A space to grow wildly the parts of me that are most me and to meet parts of me I have yet to know.

Human-side Side-notes: Day 50 of 100

Today is the halfway point through this 100 Day project!

This project has been more quiet and contemplative than last year’s. And I’m sure that’s exactly as it should be. I am happy in my role to show-up the best I can each day and release the rest to become what it wants to be out in the world.

Life has been busier the past few weeks in the best way possible. I’m spending more time doing things I enjoy AND that means less free time. I haven’t been as attentive to some of my spiritual practices and I’ve been on a slippery-slope into a very grumpy mood last night. It was clear I needed a reset this morning.

I didn’t have less to do today, but I knew I needed to curate my time and how I spend it in a more authentic way. I got up a little earlier, had some quiet and slow coffee time, then took time for a journey.

In my journey, Panther was there immediately gently pushing-up rich earth around my shoulders as I leaned back against a slope of dirt and got grounded. I started to relax while Panther comforted me and I got settled back into my body. Then she gently said;

Why do you feel bad about feeling so off and grumpy? Why are you here asking for that not to happen again? That feeling is what signaled you to reconnect this morning. It’s okay to get a little scrambled and sideways when you’re learning so many new things. Why would a human reaction and a spiritual nudge, which shows-up as grumpiness, NOT be by brilliant design?

After the journey, I felt much better and refreshed for my day. I walked towards my work computer to begin working, and immediately felt guided to take a walk down to my tree friend in the gully.

I was immediately resistant, my mind started its emergency siren sounds of all of the things I needed to get done. I kept moving towards my computer to work and felt the guidance again, more loudly; walk down to the tree.

It was an unmistakable and insistent nudge. So, I huffed in resignation, worried some more about all of the undone tasks, and put my shoes and socks on before heading out.

It was a beautiful morning, and right away I felt better being outside. As I approached the tree, a roadrunner hopped up the rocks in the clearing next to the tree. When I see a Roadrunner, it’s often a signal that I’m on the right track, and just to keep going. It felt like a wonderful confirmation.

Roadrunner was gone before I got to the clearing. I stood quietly, settling into the space. A tiny bird flew onto a small bush and climbed down the smallest of branches to get a drink of water. Two doves landed on another bush. Birds of all kinds swept across the sky.

I heard a clicking noise I didn’t recognize, then realized it was a cicada warming-up before joining the rest of the cicadas who were already singing the soundtrack for summers in the desert. I thought to myself, well, I’m not the only one who is getting a later start to the day and Cicada seems perfectly fine starting late.

I listened and watched and relaxed and then relaxed more. I remembered my place on the planet. My sense of purpose and priorities slipped back into alignment. I was so glad I begrudgingly listened to my guidance.

I was enjoying the returned sense of peace and thinking about heading back across the trail, when a coyote walked into full view on a trail across the clearing, looked my way, and trotted on across into some bushes.

I just stood there with my mouth dropped open and my heart burst open. We had never seen coyotes down in the gully and I’d never seen one so close in the wild. I immediately started crying and saying a prayer of gratitude for this visitor. Coyote, to me, means divine detours; a playful trickster who sidetracks me (sometimes kicking and screaming) into a better destination than I could have dreamed up myself.

Once the tears slowed down, and plenty of time had passed for Coyote to move along, I knew it was time to head back. I hummed, announcing my movements, as I moved back along the trail. I got home and my daughter and I ran to get a coffee.

We talked about life and I was able to be fully present, marveling at this human I’ve raised; this brilliant and beautiful woman telling me all about the life she is so courageously building, with the same wonder in the same big brown eyes that she had when she said a new word as a toddler, or told me about Harry Potter books in 2nd grade, or found new music to love in high school.

And I almost missed it. I almost missed the roadrunner, the birds, the coyote, and the awe from a coffee date with my daughter.

These kinds of wake-up moments used to bring up so much shame for me. I would feel unspiritual and bad and weak. I would reevaluate everything, beat myself up, and vow never to do it again. But, at this point in my life, I’m here to tell you, it will happen again. I will get busy and distracted and slip into grumpiness. I’ll probably bounce back a little more quickly and with a little more compassion next time. Or I won’t. And it’s all okay.

My Soul is always here to help remind me what’s most valuable to my heart in this lifetime, and so are my Spirit Helpers; not to save me from being human- being human is the whole reason I am here- but to remind me that I am also Spirit. Eventually, my human side catches on, listens, and regroups. My human side and my spirit are learning to collaborate and even enjoy each other.

Human-side Side-notes: Day 15 of 100 Blessings for Enchantment

Yesterday was a tough day. I felt out-of-sorts for most of it. Things that I normally love to do felt irritating and heavy. I worried that I over-shared during book club. I worried about a hidden tone in emails and texts. I felt disconnected and disheartened. Tears constantly pooled in the corners of my eyes.

I could not figure out what was happening. Even though I could get grounded and calm with meditation and my other favorite strategies, I’d quickly bounce back into feeling off.

This morning, I woke up early and as I let my dog out, I realized I’d left the sun tea out overnight. I slumped into a complete sense of defeat in the face of this minor situation that literally means nothing in the long run. And that was it. The part of me that realized how little the sun tea meant gathered up my defeated self and made a plan.

I had a ton of tasks to do. I was behind because of my sluggishness on the previous day. But I knew I was headed into the same kind of day unless I could get uprighted. The wisest part of me decided it was time for a walk in nature whether I was behind or not.

I drove over to the gully where my new tree friend lives. As I started down the trail, a cool breeze ran across my skin, feeling delicious and renewing, especially after several days of a heat wave. I looked to my left and saw a roadrunner carefully surveying the bike trail. Seeing a roadrunner is often a spiritual message to me that I’m on a good track, and to just keep going. I exhaled and relaxed more.

A little further along, I saw two big turkey vultures sitting regally on some old tree trunks. I slowed down and felt awed by their size and the bright red above their beaks. Vultures often signal to me that everything can be used for growth and healing, even if it is unpleasant.

I continued along, listening to the many different birds offering up their unique songs. They swooped through the air and hopped through the branches. The same feeling of homecoming I’ve always felt in nature swirled into my soul, bringing more relief.

As I approached my new tree friend, I noticed the squash plants that had lined the path now connected across it. I heard quail sounding to each other that I’d arrived. I quickly peered down into the nest my husband found a few weeks ago from as far away as I could. It was still full of eggs.

Then, I moved into a shadow and just stood there. Listening. Watching the birds. Breathing slowly and smelling the rich summer growth all around me.

I felt good. Really good. So, I gently started to contemplate what had happened yesterday. Why was I so off? I went back through my day but couldn’t find the connection. I went further back to the night before and a picture began to come together.

My daughter had planned to sleep over so I’d left a spare key under the mat for her as we went to bed. She had a change of plans, and sent me a text to let me know. I went back out to grab the key from under the mat… and it was not there.

I panicked and a story started forming with absolutely no factual basis. I was sure someone saw me put the key under the mat and took it and was planning the demise of my whole family.

Yeah. I know. This is a gigantic leap!

I texted my daughter to ask if she had grabbed the spare key but she was already away from her phone. My husband wasn’t worried so I climbed back into bed. As he fell asleep, my panic kept growing and every true crime show I’ve watched seemed to pop to mind. My heart raced as the story got bigger and more terrifying.

Finally, I decided I was going to move the elliptical machine we have in the entryway against the front door. I pushed and pulled and grunted and finally got it moved, and as I turned to go back to bed, something caught my eye.

There in plain sight on a chair next to the door sat the spare key. The very same one that I had convinced myself was in the hands of my family’s future murderer. My daughter had stopped by and set it there through the doorway so it wouldn’t be left out overnight.

My mind, given the simple fact that the key was no longer under the mat, had decided that it was no longer there because someone wanted to hurt me. And the truth was, the key was no longer under the mat because someone wanted to protect me.

It was too much. I was so tired that I just collapsed into bed.

I didn’t really think about it the next day, which was the day I felt off.

Standing out with the quail and the breeze now, I could see exactly why I had felt so off. My nervous system had been completely triggered by a perfectly benign situation. And that had seemed completely normal to me.

Here’s the kicker though; for weeks I have been journeying to ask how I can reconnect with my body and honor it and feel more healthy. In at least three journeys, I’ve been gently told that healing my body begins with my nervous system, to focus on healing it first. I’ve half-heartedly listened and worked on it. A little. But I’ve been really resistant because I would prefer an answer from my trusty tool box of training for a 5K or fooding preparing salads- more action, less stillness!

Standing there today, watching giant bees hum in and out of the squash flowers, I understood. I understood the wisdom of healing as I’d been guided. I understood the gift of the spare key incident. I understood that feeling off the day before was a signal to pay attention. I understood that even though my nervous system has many layers of trauma, I could open to the hope that it could be healed.

Then I understood that my deepest resistance was that I was afraid my nervous system was too far gone to heal, afraid to try and fail the guidance of my guides. Afraid to hope.

I walked a little while longer and soaked in the delicious field of bustling life that surrounded me, remembering my place in the membership of life on our planet, and headed back to the car.

I think it’s important to share the tough stuff in our lives. It dissipates shame and grounds us in our common experience of navigating what it means to be human. The blessings I write everyday for this project are earnest and heartfelt and spiritually guided, AND I have my own working edge that’s messy and tricky and never-ending. The further I wander into spiritual work the more I am awed by the human part of each of us that, for all of its faults and frailties and history and informed mortality, is willing to stand back up and try again. Even and especially after a really off day.

Human-side Side-notes: Day 1 of 100 Blessings for Enchantment

I woke up around 2:30am with a swelling, open, peaceful feeling in my heart. I could feel my guides and my new tree friend gathering around to connect with me. Some I recognized and some were not familiar. I joined them and looked up into the tree. There was a shadow in human form high in the branches. I felt anxious as it hopped down and walked toward me.

I called in one of my most trusted animal guides to check-out this shadow. She walked up to the shadow, sniffed gently, and relaxed. I wondered, is this the spirit of the tree? A new teacher? Why do I feel fear?

I realized as she got closer, she was my shadow self. The part of me that emcompasses the things I still struggle most with, old traumas, completely made-up dramas, catastrophizing. My guides smiled and I knew the lesson was that my greatest anxieties while working on this project would come from my shadow side. The energy of the project itself was enclosed and protected.

It was a great relief as my shadow side and I embraced, understanding each other and our relationship like old friends.

As soon as I relaxed, information for today’s blessing started flooding in as images and feelings. It was beautiful! And as other writers, creatives, and artists (in other words, all humans) know, these early morning inspirations that happen away from the writing desk or altar or canvas can be difficult to capture.

I stayed still in the energy until I felt I understood, then tried to decide what to do next.

My husband is a light sleeper. Past years of working in emergency management have made him alert quickly to any change in the room. Neither of us are great sleepers after decades of parenting, though that seems to be changing as our kids move further into their own adulthoods.

Both of us love sleeping next to each other. We each spent a lot of years single before we met.

What I felt open in me as I considered my options was a large mental drawer that holds everything I’m still learning and unlearning about codependency. It’s kind of like the big drawer in our kitchen that holds all kinds of important tools but is difficult to keep organized. And some of the tools are sharp, so care is needed when digging through this drawer.

Codependent thoughts about my husband began popping up; I have to choose between my work or my marriage, what if this project turns me into someone he can’t love, I’m selfish if I disrupt our status quo, his sleep is far more important than my project, what kind of wife creates at 3am, etc.

And yes, all of this projection happened, while in reality, he’s sleeping and doing just fine.

Codependent thoughts about Spirit and Inspiration popped up; Am I really spiritual if I don’t put Spirit first, If I don’t do things exactly when and how they are presented then I’ll be abandoned by Spirit, what if this is a test and I fail, I am unworthy of connecting with Spirit if I have human feelings and preferences, etc.

It’s truly fascinating just how deeply the belief runs that I’m only valuable to others, humans and Spirit alike, if I’m a blank slate for their needs. I mean… it’s fascinating now anyway, when it’s not 3am!

I spiraled for a moment until I paused to really examine my jostled codependency drawer. If I slowed down, I could remember the tools and how to use them skillfully.

The thing that codependency makes you forget most quickly, is that those who truly love you want you to be yourself. They want you to thrive. The only way they know how to help is if you courageously offer the truth of who you are and what you could use some help with.

So, I was open with Spirit. I love sleeping next to my husband. It’s one of the best things about my life and I want to cherish and preserve that. I asked Spirit to work with me on finding a way to do so on the occasions that 3am is the best time to connect with my guides about this project.

When my husband gets home, I’ll tell him what’s happening and ask how we can work together to protect his sleep and nurture these 3am calls from Spirit. Because 3am calls from Spirit feel like who I am and so does being fiercely protective of my partner’s well being.

One of the most helpful tools in the codependency drawer is simply trying out the word “and” in any sentence where codependency insists on using “or.”

It was a wise and loving gesture that the first thing my spirit guides did was remind me of my shadow. When the spiritual lift of inspiration moved into the human realm of action, I had a reminder that it could get messy because being human is so delightfully and predictably messy. But I can be lifted AND be messy. I can wake-up to my alarm inspired AND groggy. I can create a project with Spirit AND create a life with my husband.

“And” is a damn handy word! Especially at 3am.

Several hours later;

30 minutes into creating the first blessing today, I devolved into tears, crammed down a whole bunch of chocolate covered cranberries, and asked my husband if he thought it was too late to change the project to 100 dirty limericks because I SIMPLY CANNOT DO IT! Fortunately, he often out-coaches me, and he steered me back into my office to face, well… myself.

Once I had a draft of the blessing, he came in and read it, offered some edits, read through the first section of this blog post, and truly puzzled, turned to me and said, “Why didn’t you just come into your office and write at 3am?”

Today was a day of heavy human-ing! Not only is it fascinating at this point, it’s the best kind of comical that elicits laughing fits and hugs. Ohhhhh my… only 99 to go! :D

Side-notes on being human; Introduction for 100 Blessings for Enchantment

I’m adding a new feature to my 100 Day Project this time. Sharing finished blessings each day is an adventure I’m greatly looking forward to. And… I don’t want it to begin to appear that there is not a very human side to a spiritual adventure like this one.

What I know from my last 100 Day Project is that every single day there is a blank slate, then comes the inspiration (eventually), then the ups and downs of the creative process, the fear and enthusiasm, the writing and the edits. Much like life.

Spiritual work done as a human is no less follied or pinnacled than any other type of work. I think it’s important to talk about that. I believe the human part is the whole point of spiritual work. If it doesn’t make me better at human-ing and more connected to the rich and mysterious gift of living on this planet, what is the purpose?

And, the purpose of spiritual work might be something totally different for you. And that’s as it should be.

What I wish we were more open about are the doubts and the hardwon heights and the inner wrestling and the tender knowing in spiritual work. It’s rarely a linear ascent. It’s possible that it’s only me who has such a human experience of spiritual work; but my hunch is that it’s not.

So, on days that there has been something particularly human of note, I’ll be writing a blog post about it and adding a link to it in the comments of my finished blessing.

For example; today. I had prepared my introduction and graphics for my project before this long weekend began. I planned to do a few mouse clicks and enjoy an easy launch!

This morning, as I was waking up, I had a nudge to take a brief walk with my husband in a nearby park that has a stream running through it on our way to grab some Dutch Bros coffee.

A nice quick walk. Then on to the day of iced coffee and leisure.

As we walked the trail toward the stream, I noticed a dirt trail that veered off of the paved path. I’d never noticed it before. My spirit leapt with recognition. There it is! To which my mind said– Wait, what? There WHAT is? What?

And my heart started to sink because I knew this exchange within myself well. I knew I needed to go down the dirt path. But what I wanted was iced coffee. And to not annoy my sweet husband who was also ready for a day of doing nothing.

I slowed and asked him, “Does that trail run along the stream?” I knew that he knew that we both knew what I was asking. “You wanna go down it?”

“No. Not really.” he chuckled.

“I do.” I smiled sheepishly.

We both shrugged and headed in. It was a beautiful trail and we took turns pointing out birds and flowers and lizards. After a while, I looked up and saw a single tree standing above drainage tunnels that led to tiny ponds and a section of thick brush that had been carved through by some kind of machinery.

There it is! I felt my mind and heart open to what my spirit had already known.

This tree was welcoming me into partnership for my project, as a physical place to visit and as a power place to begin my journeys from. A group of birds gathered in the tall brush next to it. It was a beautiful moment and I was filled with awe.

Immediately, I heard my spirit tell the tree that I would return to pick up 100 pieces of the trash that was scattered in the area in gratitude and as an offering to her for her shepherding of me through my project.

Wait, what? What? But… iced Coffee. Husband. Lounging.

Because that is how it is to be a human doing spiritual work. It can be a little messy. There are moments of confusion and resistance. And that’s okay.

Heart’s Table

One of the kindest things we can do for each other is to only believe what we learn about another person while sitting at their heart’s table. Our polite daily interactions should be held lightly as most of us wear our social masks to work and to shop and to move about the world. Gossip should be brushed away like a menacing fly. Equally, when you hear people discussing your life who last sat at your heart’s table in summer and it’s now fall, do not believe it. Do not give space in your tender heart to the absurd assertion that someone who hasn’t sat with you in this season can know who you are.

Life Coaching; Frequently Asked Questions

Life Coaching; Frequently Asked Questions

What does a life coach do?

Life coaches work with clients to support them in shifting their lives from good to great to excellent. Life coaches are trained first to listen well and to view the client as the expert in the session. During a session, a life coach will use specific questions and coaching tools to help the client connect to their own wisdom and find answers to the issues that are authentic to them.

How is life coaching different from therapy?

It can be helpful to think in terms of physical health to understand the difference between therapy and coaching. A life coach is to a therapist what a personal trainer is to a physician. Physicians and therapists are trained to help people move from illness to health. Personal trainers and life coaches are trained to help people move from okay health to great health. If during coaching you find an issue that is more appropriate for therapy, it’s important to talk with your coach about it so you can chose the best path forward for you.

How many session are need for life coaching?

Coaching can happen in one session, a few sessions or for multiple sessions over many months, depending on the needs and goals of the client. One benefit of committing to multiple sessions is the built-in accountability of knowing that you’ll be checking in with your coach regularly. You may also find that the issue you bring to coaching is tied to a larger issue or pattern you’d like to address in your life. Problematic thoughts or patterns take a long time to develop and the healthy thoughts and patterns need time to develop, too.

How do I know what to talk about in life coaching sessions?

At the beginning of each session, you’ll be asked what is happening in your life that you’d like to change or improve. You may have a very specific issue ready before session and you may find that you need to talk through what’s happening for a bit before you can nail down exactly what the issue is. Life coaches are trained to help you identify the issue so it’s totally okay to come to a coaching session with some confusion about what to work on.

How is life coaching different than talking to my friends and family?

It’s a gift to have wonderful friends and family in our lives who listen and are helpful and supportive. You may notice that sometimes because of your history together, it can be hard for your friends and family to separate who they know you to be from who you want to become. They may subconsciously worry about you changing or they may slip into advice giving based on their own beliefs. This is completely normal in close relationships. The difference when you work with a life coach is there is a professional boundary and your time and work together stays focused on your beliefs and what you want to accomplish. Life coaches have been trained to listen, ask questions and utilize coaching tools professionally to support you in your growth. Family and friends are irreplaceable and invaluable. They simply play a different role than a life coach.

How will life coaching fix my life?

Aw! A trick question. Life coaching will not fix your life but it can help you fix your own life. Back to the personal trainer analogy; you have to do the heavy lifting in order for change to occur in your life. A life coach can guide you through the process and show you all of the tools to help you along the way. In the end, life coaching will change your life in proportion to how much work you do. Real change will mean something different for every client. Too often in our culture, we think in terms of pounds lost or dollars made or romances gained as measurements of real change. Those things may happen but they are results of the change that occurs within. Real change, in my opinion, is feeling the way you want to feel more often and feeling more at home with yourself. Creating this foundation can help you know what you truly want from the outside world.