Human-side Side-notes: Day 50 of 100

Today is the halfway point through this 100 Day project!

This project has been more quiet and contemplative than last year’s. And I’m sure that’s exactly as it should be. I am happy in my role to show-up the best I can each day and release the rest to become what it wants to be out in the world.

Life has been busier the past few weeks in the best way possible. I’m spending more time doing things I enjoy AND that means less free time. I haven’t been as attentive to some of my spiritual practices and I’ve been on a slippery-slope into a very grumpy mood last night. It was clear I needed a reset this morning.

I didn’t have less to do today, but I knew I needed to curate my time and how I spend it in a more authentic way. I got up a little earlier, had some quiet and slow coffee time, then took time for a journey.

In my journey, Panther was there immediately gently pushing-up rich earth around my shoulders as I leaned back against a slope of dirt and got grounded. I started to relax while Panther comforted me and I got settled back into my body. Then she gently said;

Why do you feel bad about feeling so off and grumpy? Why are you here asking for that not to happen again? That feeling is what signaled you to reconnect this morning. It’s okay to get a little scrambled and sideways when you’re learning so many new things. Why would a human reaction and a spiritual nudge, which shows-up as grumpiness, NOT be by brilliant design?

After the journey, I felt much better and refreshed for my day. I walked towards my work computer to begin working, and immediately felt guided to take a walk down to my tree friend in the gully.

I was immediately resistant, my mind started its emergency siren sounds of all of the things I needed to get done. I kept moving towards my computer to work and felt the guidance again, more loudly; walk down to the tree.

It was an unmistakable and insistent nudge. So, I huffed in resignation, worried some more about all of the undone tasks, and put my shoes and socks on before heading out.

It was a beautiful morning, and right away I felt better being outside. As I approached the tree, a roadrunner hopped up the rocks in the clearing next to the tree. When I see a Roadrunner, it’s often a signal that I’m on the right track, and just to keep going. It felt like a wonderful confirmation.

Roadrunner was gone before I got to the clearing. I stood quietly, settling into the space. A tiny bird flew onto a small bush and climbed down the smallest of branches to get a drink of water. Two doves landed on another bush. Birds of all kinds swept across the sky.

I heard a clicking noise I didn’t recognize, then realized it was a cicada warming-up before joining the rest of the cicadas who were already singing the soundtrack for summers in the desert. I thought to myself, well, I’m not the only one who is getting a later start to the day and Cicada seems perfectly fine starting late.

I listened and watched and relaxed and then relaxed more. I remembered my place on the planet. My sense of purpose and priorities slipped back into alignment. I was so glad I begrudgingly listened to my guidance.

I was enjoying the returned sense of peace and thinking about heading back across the trail, when a coyote walked into full view on a trail across the clearing, looked my way, and trotted on across into some bushes.

I just stood there with my mouth dropped open and my heart burst open. We had never seen coyotes down in the gully and I’d never seen one so close in the wild. I immediately started crying and saying a prayer of gratitude for this visitor. Coyote, to me, means divine detours; a playful trickster who sidetracks me (sometimes kicking and screaming) into a better destination than I could have dreamed up myself.

Once the tears slowed down, and plenty of time had passed for Coyote to move along, I knew it was time to head back. I hummed, announcing my movements, as I moved back along the trail. I got home and my daughter and I ran to get a coffee.

We talked about life and I was able to be fully present, marveling at this human I’ve raised; this brilliant and beautiful woman telling me all about the life she is so courageously building, with the same wonder in the same big brown eyes that she had when she said a new word as a toddler, or told me about Harry Potter books in 2nd grade, or found new music to love in high school.

And I almost missed it. I almost missed the roadrunner, the birds, the coyote, and the awe from a coffee date with my daughter.

These kinds of wake-up moments used to bring up so much shame for me. I would feel unspiritual and bad and weak. I would reevaluate everything, beat myself up, and vow never to do it again. But, at this point in my life, I’m here to tell you, it will happen again. I will get busy and distracted and slip into grumpiness. I’ll probably bounce back a little more quickly and with a little more compassion next time. Or I won’t. And it’s all okay.

My Soul is always here to help remind me what’s most valuable to my heart in this lifetime, and so are my Spirit Helpers; not to save me from being human- being human is the whole reason I am here- but to remind me that I am also Spirit. Eventually, my human side catches on, listens, and regroups. My human side and my spirit are learning to collaborate and even enjoy each other.